Gate agent: we’re going to have to check your carry-on bag
Me: why, are there no overhead spaces left on the plane?
Gate agent: no, there are. we just don’t like you.
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*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
2 years later
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
the hardest part about going somewhere is people asking “who are you going with?” … definitely seems to be a sort of cultural norm quota limit on how many times you can answer that with “some guy from craigslist”
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
Therapist: They are NOT antidepressants
Me: All I’m saying is I’ve never been less than happy while holding a taco.
Therapist: FOR THE LAST TIME, I can’t get your insurance to cover tacos!
Me: Don’t yell at me. You need a taco.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.