(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
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“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught