My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
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[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Jogging
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
[park]
STRANGER: Your dog is unusual lookingME: Yeah, he’s interbred
DUCK: [waddles up] I’ll tell you who else is into bread
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
*takes cat from pocket of doctor’s coat & holds it over patient*
He has finished his scan. He says he doesn’t like you & you have cancer.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
The only thing more annoying than vegans who won’t shut up about being vegan is people who aren’t vegan who won’t shut up about vegans
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion