Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
You Might Also Like
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
I believe the plural is “milves.”
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m sure it’s fine.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.