Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
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if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
911: 911, What’s your emergency?
Me: It’s John again.
911: John, seriously!!!
Me: I know. I know. Just an ambulance if possible. No cops.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
used to be as a frog you could say “ribbit.” but you can’t do that anymore. because of croak
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
*weird horror movie sounds*
me: it’s okay, it was just the cat
cat: ah hell nah
me: what?
demon: meow?
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR