AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
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one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Lassie, get help!
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
OMG you guys!! I have abs
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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
*Don’t Walk sign flashes*
Me: [from my wheelchair]: “Okay.”
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?