My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
You Might Also Like
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money… I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
male coworker: how’s it hanging?
me: loose and to the left
him:
me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?
him: not a chance
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.