I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
You Might Also Like
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Holy moly
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
When I canceled my gym membership, I had to submit a too weak notice
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
My husband and I are looking for someone to play the harmonica while we have sex, no weirdos please.
Whenever I get sick, I get my immune system drunk so it will fight anything.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.