This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
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GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
COP: I’m arresting you
ME: oh no
COP: You must make one phone call
ME: OH NO
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
ubereats: it will cost £3.50 extra to send this cheeseburger to your house
me: ye ye ye hurry up gimmewikipedia: please donate to this website you find very useful or we will die
me: LMAOOOOOOOOOO
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today