*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
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They went back to his place after what could only be described as the perfect first date.
“So, what are you really looking for?” he asked her.
“Honestly,” she laughed. “A guy that can load a dishwasher correctly.”
“Go ahead, open it.” he replied, a grin forming on his face.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: You’re terrible with money.
ME: I bet my life savings that you’re wrong.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: I don’t want your $30.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.