If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.