Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
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Who the hell buys furniture online? Why would you buy a chair or couch you can’t even sit in? What if it has burlap cushions stuffed w/hay?
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
This meal prepping shit easy
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
This sounds bad:
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.