date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
You Might Also Like
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
lmao
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*