I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
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When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
“I can’t lie to you”
You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Water leak.
No water for 2 days.
Then the plumber cut the cable line.
No internet.
No TV.
2 stinky teenagers.Send wine and bail money.
When my friend broke up with her boyfriend, I was right there with donuts, telling her she was better off sans the idiot.
In a SURPRISING TURN OF EVENTS THAT NOBODY SAW COMING, they got back together and now I’m not welcome in their home.
Lesson learned. No donuts next time.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?