Raisins are grape jerky.
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[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
Life is just an endless cycle of buying a little drink so a store owner will let you use the bathroom, then walking a little, then needing to use the bathroom because you had a little drink
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I woke up and put my glasses on and then started looking for my glasses so I’m guessing it’s Monday.
Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me: