I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
You Might Also Like
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
…u ok Nintendo?
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
WTF
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Thursday
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Guilt is a dish best served by Mom.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter