I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
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[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
7: [from bed] MOM!
Me: YES?
7: *mumbling
Me: WHAT?
7: *mumbling
Me: HUH?
7: *mumbling
Me: *pauses movie*
7: WHAT DOES LIGHTNING TASTE LIKE?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
#Caturday
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
scrabbled eggs
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
My favorite way to tell the DJ their music sucks is just yelling at the speaker: “ALEXA NEXT” and then making harsh eye contact with them
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
An atheist, a vegan, a libertarian, and a BMW owner walk into a bar…
I only know because they told everyone in the bar within 2 minutes.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.