And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.