Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
cause of death:
autopsy.
My daughter was pissed at me this morning and threatened to tell me the Wordle answer, so obviously I’m raising a savage monster.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Cashing in my goldfish today.
Wish me luck!
Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Me: What kind of eggs do you want for breakfast? Scrambled? Fried?
4 Year Old: Chocolate
Me: You really are my child.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.