December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
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If you think you’re going to be in a dangerous situation, dress accordingly. Don’t wear flip-flops to a bank robbery, for example.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
i’m so bad at identifying internet scams. i’ll get an email that will literally say something like “click this link to send us your social security number and bank info and we’ll steal all your money” and i’ll be like “what could they mean by that?”
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
shut up and take my money
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.