My wedding will be open casket.
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Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
ok this is my dumbest yet
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*brings knife to gunfight*
*knife used to cut pizza*
*pizza served & differences resolved*
*last slice up for grabs & gunfight ensues*
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.