Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
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Me trying to look natural in photos
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever