If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
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If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]