The second world war should have been called world war returns
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Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
My Favorite Chops:
1. Karate
2. Judo
3. Pork
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.