Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
The janitor squints at the unfinished equation, picks up the chalk and scrawls methodically. Soon all the eights have top-hats like snowmen.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
I have to admit, I never thought our son would go that far.
Me neither. This trebuchet is marvellous. Let’s get the cat.
#CatDay #RubbishJokes
#MondayMorning
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed