*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
You Might Also Like
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
[speed dating]
Me: “Facebook or Twitter?”
Her: “Face…”
Me: “Have a nice life.”
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm