*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
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Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
THE WORLD WOULD BE SOOOOO MUCH HAPPIER IF EVERYBODY WAS A DUCK
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
We have a Costco membership because you never know when you’ll need an eight pound bag of blue tortilla chips and a canoe.
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
“i miss shittin on people”
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Never be a pizza!
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.