When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Hey all,
I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.
From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.
Forgive me—I will do better next time.
~a dad, trying
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
(by @ZachWeiner )
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*