Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
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Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Mistakes were made
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.