I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
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The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
*seductively corrects your posture*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.