Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
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if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
Without telling me where you live tell me your social security number and mother’s maiden name.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Parish Council to all moorside residents –
Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
@hadafewbeers @funTweeters 92 just broke a hip! 🎉
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
MY DOG’S VET: who’s a good boy? who’s the handsomest boy? does you wanna cookie? does the handsome good boy want a cookie? does the handsomest best boy ever want a cookie?
MY DOCTOR: you look fatter and paler than I remember, sit down
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Whoever called it rush hour should not be allowed to name anything else.