Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
The Sun
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
HAN: Chewie what the hell are you doing
CHEWBACCA: *wearing a three piece suit* rawwrhh aarrhhr rweoorrar
HAN: why do you need a business loan
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together