My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
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No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
Judge: Approach the bench.
Cat Lawyer:
Judge: pspspsps
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
These are too funny not to post 😂
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please