VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]