I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
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If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
I think my mom just blocked me
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
There is a time and a place for accosting people with baguettes (2 p.m., Whole Foods).
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
🤣🤣🤣
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”