I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
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Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
So, you had unprotected sex with a Robot, what now?!
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.