Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Anyone who didn’t invent something in the 1400s was an idiot
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
Brother?
Today I learned two things:
1. Build-A-Bear Workshop only lets you stuff fake animals
2. Mall security guards get to use real handcuffs
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
*carrying dog*
Clerk: no pets allowed
Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.
C: You tried that last week.
M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!