I don’t buy tupperware containers, I steal them from my parent’s house like an adult
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I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
me (tenting fingers): how can we make this deal work
cashier: you give me $7.48
me (sliding him a $20 bill): how about now?
cashier: $7.48 out of $20, $12.52 is your change. have a nice day
me (smirking): everybody wins
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“what that mouth do?” complain
our love story in four pictures
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Of course I will guard your Easter basket from any pillaging by your sisters. Bring it here, honey.