H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
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“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Always a bridesmaid never a vengeful ghost in a glowing fog.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Crazy but not like defend my opinion of a roast beef sandwich crazy
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
I don’t feel like a zombie…better eat someone to make sure.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
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🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.