me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
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You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
I think what finally pushes me over the edge will be the weapons-grade tweeness of one of those ‘[Verb] your [adjective]’ advertising slogans. ‘Find my amazing’? I’m afraid you’ve just made my deranged.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
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{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic