Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
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My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
My five year plan is a meteorite
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
Seriously joggers?! You’re gonna run and carry on a conversation at the same time?
And I’m all outta breath just finishing this McMuffin!!!
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
My brain is a bad influence on me
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
HOW COME YOU NEVER HEAR THUNDER AROUND LIGHTNING BUGS?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.