the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Stand way over there and let me tell you a funny fairytale. Once upon a time I ate all of your Halloween candy this morning.
Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Passwords:
Outlook- work1234
Aol- kidsnames
home alarm- anniversary
Twitter- supercalifragilist{middlename}espialido{graduationyear}cious
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
saw this in a dream
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore