Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
My kids just deliberated over which pumpkins to pick at the patch for longer than I deliberated whether to get pregnant with them.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
I camp so other people don’t have to.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
If the person responsible for taking all the teaspoons in the house could return them to the drawer by lunchtime, nothing more will be said about it.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
I don’t ALWAYS post filthy tweets, but when I do, it is right after I’m followed by someone with “my Lord and Savior” in their bio.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.