I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
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HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I’m glad I learned about parallelograms instead of how to do taxes. It’s really come in handy this parallelogram season
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.