[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
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opening twitter today
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Procrastination has taught me how to do 30 minutes of work in 8 hours and 8 hours of work in 30 minutes.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
I grew up in a poor family. We didn’t have much, but we had each other. And that was the worst part.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now