Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
You Might Also Like
Introverted vegans go meetless
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Goat cheese is for herders.
Before & after 😅
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
“nft” sounds like an onomatopoeia of a little toot sneaking out
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
Mugger: *holding knife* give me your money
Me: please, I have a family
Mugger: gimme the money and I won’t hurt you
Me: but I have a family
Mugger: do y- do you want me to stab you?
Me: more than anything
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.