If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
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If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS