Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Your french fries are just my french fries on the wrong plate.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
My trainer suggested I get a tennis ball to message my back. I got it, but it just sits there. How do you make it go?
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
i see a little silhouetto of a bug
IT’S A WASP IT’S A WASP
can we close the damn window
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived