Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
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COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
😂😂😂
{Comes home after watching Beauty & the Beast}
ME: *Throws dumb non-singing teapot on the ground* You’re not even trying.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Most Well-known Speeches:
1. Gettysburg Address – Abe Lincoln
2. I Have a Dream – Martin Luther King
3. You Need to Floss – Every Dentist
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries