Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
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Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
GF: Sue at the bra shop said u got some lingerie
ME: …
G: Only u didn’t give it to me
M: [nervously adjusting thong] I’m having an affair
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
i am single and looking for someone amazing! but if my ex is reading this i have 12 boyfriends and they have all proposed to me
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.